1) Buy shells.
2) Shoot father.
3) Shoot mother.
Sometimes the strangest, funniest, and most bizarre things in life simply cannot be made up. We need only look out our windows, through the newspaper, or up at a sign to discover true humor that fiction just can't supply.
And lemme tell ya, there's a lot of this crap out there. Enough to fill a website, to be specific:
National Lampoon's TRUE FACTS